WHO am I ?

My childhood was empty, lonely and coloured by my father`s alcoholism. He harassed me by vomitin in my sled in the winter time, being aggresive and scary. I used to wait under my bed, that my mom get home from work. Other schoolmates harassed me because of my weight. I was chubby child. And shy. Other boys disliked me so much that they beat me in the face, body and spit in my mouth. I did not have the courage to defend my self. And when I did go home in dirty clothes my mom did get very, very angry because of that. She said all kind of things, about my intelligence.

In age 16 my father threw me out. And my mom just stood there and let him. She were too afraid to say anything. I stayed one time, just one, too late outside and that`s that. Officer took me to refuge and I stayed there. My first boyfriend deceived me two times and I was left alone with our little baby girl. Then I met my second boyfriend and we had a boy. After two and a half years I left him, because his gambling problem. He played all his and my money. I was too naive to see behind the problem and thought that me and his little boy were first prior. But no, casinos won. After break up I had thousands euros debt. So, there I was alone with two little children. Three of us were a family a few years. Then I met my third boyfriend who is still after 20 years my husband. Lucky me. We had one boy. After birth was diagnosed thight clubfoot in both sides, left and wright. We stayed in hospital six months in every other day changing plasters. Poor little son, he has had many many surgerys and has been in the wheelchair over six months at the age 9.

My other son has also many diagnoses. He`s been sick since toddler. He has diabetes, asperger`s syndrom, astma, rheumatic, self destructive because of depression. He is sometimes so furious that its scary. He has good doctors and medications to support him but still, his not doing so good all the time. So sad. It makes me cry time to time. He`s adult now but still my little baby.

My oldest child, my daughter, is healthy. She have hoped to be sick, so she would have attention too. Because my sons had to be hospitals so much, she suffered it. We have talked about it a lot and I am happy she understands it now. She missed mom growing up. Oooh, my mind is blowing up from sadness and heart is aching for her. Fortunately we are able to talk about things.

I haven`t worked a lot because I have taking care my sons in home and hospital. My husband did bring the money home. Me too but just a little compared to him. My time went outpatient clinics, hospitals and phychiatrist clinics and acute departments cause my son was so suicidal sometimes.

Then I get sick. Brain disease called Arnold Chiari. After a sneeze or standing up from sofa I get so bad headache that it maim me rest of a day. Few years a go I had neurosurgery. Neurologist operated my occipital, so my cerebellum would have more space. Year after year it has helped little. A few more surgerys needed to be done. My left eye, my spinal cords neck vertebraes c5-c6 were fixed that spinal fluid could move freely. And my hands was operated. In my daily life i have supplies to help me work and eat. Hospital gave me aid.

So, who am I? I am simple human who likes her family a whole lot. My animals are my mentalhealth and my art too. I love life. It hasn`t allways been easy to live but we didn`t stop laughing. Our family is beautiful, as it is. Faults and everything. Remember to love your love ones, yourself and be opened hearted. Its worth it! It had been said many times from many mouths, but its true; Life is too short to be worried, be happy. Enjoy it! And remember, you are perfect just as you are ❤

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